Speaking to
American Songwriter magazine in 2012, Dar Williams described depression as
"a winter machine that you go through and then, you catch your breath and
winter starts again." This song describes her recovery from depression.
After All
Go ahead, push your luck
Find out how much love the world can hold
Once upon a time I had control
And reined my soul in tight
Well the whole truth
It’s like the story of a wave unfurled
But I held the evil of the world
So I stopped the tide
Froze it up from inside
And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound
And when I chose to live
There was no joy – it’s just a line I crossed
It wasn’t worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found
And if I was to sleep
I knew my family had more truth to tell
And so I traveled down a whispering well
To know myself through them
Growing up, my Mom had a room full of books
And hid away in there
Her father raging down a spiral stair
‘Til he found someone
Most days his son
And sometimes I think
My father, too, was a refugee
I know they tried to keep their pain from me
They could not see what it was for
But now I’m sleeping fine
Sometimes the truth is like a second chance
I am the daughter of a great romance
And they are the children of the war
Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
It worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that
So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you’ve got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it’ll push right back
And there are worse things than that
‘Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It’s better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all
‘Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you’d be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all
Songwriters: Paul H. Williams and Roger S. Nichols.
‘After All’ is
about Williams’ battle with depression and a brief flirtation with suicide.
It’s a poem, really, just set to beautifully delicate music and sung in her
whisper-pretty voice. The imagery here is wonderful: a description of her mood
as “a winter machine that you go through and then you catch your breath and
winter starts again and everyone else is spring bound”; the image of her
grandfather “raging down a spiral stair”; and a bit of wisdom that “it’s better
to have fallen in love than never to have fallen at all.”
The song traces her
journey from deciding against suicide because “I wasn’t worth the pain my death
would cost” to finding real meaning in life — the difference between deciding
not to die and deciding to live. It’s summed up beautifully in the switch from
“when I chose to live there was no joy” early in the song to ending with “now I
laugh at how the world changed me… I think life chose me.”
About the Singer
Dar Williams
(Dorothy Snowden Williams, born April 19, 1967) is an American
singer-songwriter specializing in pop folk. Hendrik Hertzberg of The New Yorker
has described Williams as "one of America’s very best
singer-songwriters."
Sources and
Additional Information:
